Memories

I thought I saw you yesterday, for an instant, out on the street.  That familiar face in a sea of strangers. And for a few fleeting moments, life was perfect again.

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You were still here, with your crazy ideas and silly jokes, impishly navigating your way out when you knew you were in trouble. Because, let’s face it, no one could stay mad at you for long. That old, now unfamiliar feeling of happiness and warmth, that was your gift to the world. Making everyone in your life feel special, and heard, and perhaps, most important of all, feel loved and accepted.

When I reflect on my life so far and everything I’m grateful for, you are always the first thing on my mind.  We could spend hours together talking or in silence, and still walk away with a lighter heart. You taught me that life is about the simple things, and to take a day at a time. Having a five year plan was well and good, but you are a constant reminder to live in the moment. There really isn’t any point in planning a future if you can’t live in the present.

You aren’t here anymore, and that sucks. You were the best part of me, you still are, but you couldn’t stick around anymore. That hurt more than I thought I could handle, and it’s taken years to accept it. People keep saying that I’ll get over it eventually, but I don’t think I will. I don’t want to. Because even on my darkest days, you make me smile. Just the thought of what you would say makes everything else so insignificant. Maybe it is selfish of me to hold on to the memory of you, but memories are all that I was left with,  when our future together was stolen.

I’m back on that street again looking, but I know it’s not you, just a stranger with a passing resemblance. You were gone a long time ago and I know I won’t see you again. We can all have irrational thoughts sometimes, and wonder, what if. Because for just a few moments, it feels good to know that my world hasn’t crashed all around, and you’re still here with me.

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Yesterday.

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Yesterday was a good day. Not phenomenal, not amazing , not boring. Just a good day. A nice walk through the city experimenting with the manual setting on my ridiculously overpriced and thoroughly underused camera, allowed my mind to wander around and drag my attention to a quite a few essential facts of my life.

I was genuinely surprised with how content I was with my life at that exact moment. Growing up as an actively stressed over-achiever(or at least that’s what I thought), the only constant in my life was the next big thing. The next test, the next assignment, the next competition. My behavior could quite possibly draw parallels with that of a addict waiting for his next fix. In my case, it was probably the adrenaline surge when you’re backed up against the wall and last minute panic is what you need to get you through. The pitiful thing though, is that once I got to whatever it was that I wanted, it lost its appeal and I would be left disenchanted till I got something new to focus on. A lot of it may just have to do with the mindset that is drilled into us at a very young age. The relentless focus on academics which prioritise studying and rote over learning, suppressing natural human curiosity.

Going back to my city stroll, I found myself on a bridge observing two young children, siblings, pointing out landmarks in amazement to their parents. Which took me back quite a few years, to when I’d have a sack full of questions for my parents, everytime some new discovery caught my attention. And a mental montage of the events that got me to where I am today. I always had a plan, but it looked nothing like what happened. If someone were to predict the future ten years ago and tell me what my life would look like, I’d certainly have a massive panic attack. In hindsight, I have to admit, things happened at just the right moment to help me grow and learn and adapt.

I still have goals,  but they’re more flexible now. Every once in a while, I remind myself to take some time off and appreciate what I have. I don’t quite agree with the “Count your blessings” scenario because your “blessings”  are the consequences, good or bad, of the sum of your actions. Sure I could have a more money and a job I can be more passionate about, but that is an ideal world. And an ideal world is boring. Imperfections is what makes life so alluring, and stops us going over the edge. Coming from someone who likes being a perfectionist, that’s quite some compromising on my part.

So maybe I don’t really need to be a top dog to be happy. On most days, curling up to read a good book with a cup of tea is more than enough. I doubt having a lucrative career could give me the same sense of contentment as a walk in the park on a sunny day, or snuggling under a blanket listening to the rain. Happiness, as I’m now beginning to see, is found in the simplest of things. Which is possibly why the rich are usually so poor when it comes to time and contentment.

 

Passing through…

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Cemeteries. Graveyards,  Burial grounds, Memorials, Gardens of Remembrance.

Words that affect people in different ways. And I don’t think I’m the only person on the planet who likes walking through a graveyard. I love the silence, the serenity that comes from a place where (I hope) people are truly at peace. Every Tombstone stands as a testament to a life, sometimes lives lived. Entire generations, who probably never met whilst on their sojourn on this plane of existence, have a final rendezvous.

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There’s a rather large historical cemetery quite near where I live. And it’s one of my favourite places for an afternoon walk, or as of last weekend for a photo op. The weather gods determined it was fit to allow a few hours of blissful sunlight after weeks of cranky, mouldy weather, so I grabbed my camera and sauntered off to explore a part of the cemetery I hadn’t been to before.

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There’s a quaint charm to an old graveyard. You’ve got the newer sections that are relatively well maintained, parts where you have sinking headstones and cracked family vaults. And as you walk along reading names, dates and epitaphs, you could just about visualise what their lives were like. The people they loved, and left behind. Memorials to fallen soldiers, beloved aunts, the women who served during the blitz, the children who were snatched by the reaper long before their time was up.

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A sane person would tell me I should be upset that life is brief. And yet, walking through the tombstones makes me feel more alive than ever. Because all around, I see a celebration of life. Of people cherished and remembered with fondness, with families ensuring their names last long after they’re gone and long after the grandchildren stop visiting. The brevity of our existence is a reminder to cherish and celebrate every second we get. We all live on borrowed time, and if we were to be told just how much time we have left, we’d do a much better job at planning it. But that’s the catch isn’t it? No one knows the magic number. And that perhaps, is for the best.

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When I Think Of Death

When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors.

I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else.

I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.

Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.

I answer the heroic question ‘Death, where is thy sting? ‘ with ‘ it is here in my heart and mind and memories.’

Maya Angelou

P.S: On a cheerier note, a good place for baby names, if anyone was looking…